Bitchy CAN be funny

The other night I did not attend the KSU basketball game with my travel companion as I had another obligation. I called him after the game and he was on his way home so I informed him I was going to sleep. I very quickly fall into a deep sleep. Later, I hear the humm of the garage door, realize its him and roll over. Then, MY CELL PHONE RINGS. I look at the caller id and it is my roommate. I thought how pretentious of him to announce his arrival, duh, he is home! I hear him fumbling around downstairs and am getting very angry. I decided to go downstairs and as I am so beautifully cascading down the stairs I grumble: "I did not appreciate you calling me to announce your arrival!". His response: "I did not appreciate you locking me out of the house - you locked the laundry room door!" OOPS!

Back up to bed I went.

Courtroom Excerpt

Observed a hearing today where Mom was seeking to modify custody and not allow Dad any overnights with the children (two girls, age 11 and 5) because he only has one bed and they all sleep in the same bed together.

Attorney: So are you accusing Dad of some type of sexual abuse?

Mom: No, I am from Germany, I don't care about that. I mean, they have their pjs on.

What in the hell does that answer mean? Germany is fine with sexual abuse? This woman was quite the liability on the stand. If anyone understands her statement, please let me know, it has me bewildered.

To Boost Your Self Esteem

Ladies (and any men reading this), just a little reminder that we all look bad at one point or another:





If you want to see these pics more closely, go to the superficial and scroll down three or so stories.

Happy Monday!

Stating the Obvious

Today my travel companion and I attended the KSU v. KU basketball game at Lawrence. Three very interesting men sat behind us, it seemed like they had not been out in civilization for quite a long time. Here is some of what I endured, and I really thought is was super annoying, but at the same time, hilarious.

At half time a woman was in a contest and she was trying to shoot a half court shot. She had two or three chances.
PERSON BEHIND US: She isn't going to make this. (She misses, it is a really short shot.) He then yells, Lady, you have to throw it really hard!

KU is down a majority of the second half. At each timeout he came up with something new: We are losing because we are getting out coached. We won't win because we can't shoot. These refs are KSU refs (guess he has never heard of home court advantage).

Shot clock malfunctions and it led to a 6 minute or so delay while they got it figured out. Person behind us kept repeating: Shot clock malfunction. It was a shot clock malfunction.

Following the Rules

So I learned something very interesting about my roommate last night - he follows the rules at gas pumps. What rules you may ask? Well, the "rule" that you should not get back into your car while pumping, you need to remain outside your car and watch the gas pump, you are not to use your cell phone while pumping gas, etc. I never knew he was so serious while at the gas pump. Last night we were on our way home from Manhattan and we had to get gas at midnight. He of course, as every rule abiding citizen does, stands outside the car while the slow as hell pump took 15 minutes to fill up the car. He then proceeds to go inside, I am thinking he is soooo anal he needs his receipt, but no, he wanted to buy a lottery ticket. I was certainly not feeling lucky as the Cats lost AGAIN and I was tired and cranky, so I very noticeably rolled my eyes. Well, I guess he was no longer feeling lucky as he got back in the car promptly. Then comes the conversation ME: "Why didn't you go inside as the gas was pumping?" Him: "Because you aren't supposed to and I wanted to be nice and not make you get cold standing outside" ME: "Well, I never stand outside anyway, I always get back in my car, I guess I will blow up with my car." HIM: "Well, you need to make sure you touch metal before getting in." ME: "I touch the handle and the door jamb". "The handle is plastic." I GIVE UP!!

Just like Mommy

Saw this on another blog and thought I would share:


The following day, the mother sent the following letter in to the teacher:

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.



Her picture doesn’t show me dancing around a pole.



It’s supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

Hair down there

OMG, just got back from the gym and am so appalled. There is a pool at my gym, and now you can see where the story is going.....So I am changing, and I follow the rules, don't look people in the eye and keep your head down and out of the corner of my eye I see the largest hair growth sneaking out from a woman's swimsuit that I would have ever thought I would see in person. It was light colored at least, but still, it made me lose my appetite. The bad part about this was that the woman decided to take a rest on the bench right beside me and there was nowhere I could go to get away from the hairy monster. Horrific. And yes, I do feel bad for talking bad about her, but since I don't know her (or her name for that matter) I don't think it classifies as gossip.

Sometimes good to be clueless

...what??? Yes, I am often found to be the "ditz" in the group and have often said that I have blonde roots! Well, my cluelessness came in very handy when watching the movie Valkyrie this weekend. STOP READING AND COME BACK TOMORROW IF YOU WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE AND NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPENS. Sorry Mr. Depew, I retained absolutely nothing from history class. So, I watched this whole movie feeling that Tom Cruise was the hero and actually had a hand in killing Hitler. Well, obviously I was wrong,Hitler committed suicide...my roommate of course knew how Hitler eventually died and knew how the movie had to end. How boring, to know the ending just because you are smart.

This happened to me at another movie - Borat. Watch it if you haven't seen it!! So, I was thinking that this guy was for real, not playing a character and I was hooting and howling the entire movie b/c it is just unbelievable. Of course, my smarter than I movie companion knew that I was an idiot about the premise of the movie, and I still don't know if he was laughing at my stupidity or laughing with me at the movie.

Who knew

30 could be this much fun? And especially when the Cats lost to KU in the same evening. Truth be told, I am very glad I was distracted from the game, we played pretty bad. My good friend turned 30 on Tuesday and I do think we surprised her pretty good. Here are some of the more entertaining pics:

Groovy!


No, we weren't at a karaoke bar, but at least I can say there WAS music:




The concert continues:




Praising our KSU God:

Party with Grammie

Mickey, Minnie, my sister and I surprised my Mom with an impromptu birthday party. The kids had so much fun planning and preparing for the party, then were so very disappointed the presents weren't for them. Here are a few details of the party:

Xmas photos

Here, I am a bit late, but I said I would post some so here they are. X-mas gets less and less "sexy" as the years go by:

Cooking assistance:




Sleeping assistance:




and x-mas wouldn't be complete without updating your KSU wardrobe:

Fake ones

Ok, so no lie, here is some testimony that I heard today:

"So Mr. X, your wife has stated that you frivolously spent money on going out with friends, guns, tools and your Harley. Is there anything your wife wasted money on?

"Her dog and her boobs"

"Can you please clarify?"

"She wanted a boob job. I told her that I didn't want her to get one because I didn't know how I would respond to them and that most people who get fake boobs end up getting divorced within 3 -5 years, and look where we are today at the three year mark."

Guess I won't be asking for fake ones next holiday. I am so used to the flat lands that I really don't think I would be able to handle anything more. In college I used to put on a friend's bra that was a DD and stuff it with half of my sock drawer (yes, I was sober) and I would run into things with them. My depth perception was way off with the huge rack. I do have pictures of this dressing up shenanigans and if I remember, I will pull them out and post them someday.

One more reason: I would probably be so lucky to end up with something like these pics below. ICK.

Do You Believe?

My roommate yelled this question down the stairs as I am so happily (still) taking down X-mas decorations. My curt response "Believe What?". Well, it turns out he was on the phone with a client and she asked him if "He believed?". He didn't know what to say, so he responds "Of course I do." Clients response was "I could tell by the sound of your voice."

Hilarious, especially if you know my roommate. He certainly does believe, but wouldn't go as to say he excudes Christianity in his voice. And, what kind of weirdo asks a stranger on the phone if they believe? Great entertainment for an otherwise bitchy evening of de-christmasing the house. Remind me next year that not every room needs a touch of x-mas, and it will make for a much happier New Year.

My first job heartache

What??? Well, I had a client call me on Monday informing me that the school nurse called and informed him the kids had not been to school on Monday. I told him this wasn't a reason to be really alarmed at this point, told him some other people to contact regarding his children, and expected him to call me back. Well, I just heard back from him today. His kids still are not in school. So, I called the Police Dept. and requested the children be checked on. Officers have access to a great deal more information than I do, and within an hour he was able to tell me the mother has taken the children and moved to Illinois. (if you are wondering, this is not allowed per the divorce agreement and yes, she is in contempt of court). My client is devastated. I am assiting him in hopefully resolving this situation very quickly, however, he is just so upset that he can't see his children. I feel so bad for him and wish there was more I could do, however, I bet this is going to be a long, expensive battle. I haven't been faced with this issue yet, and let me tell you, it is heartbreaking.

R.I.P. Quattro

No, no joke here, Quattro has already kicked the bucket. And, apparently, he was a very smart fish b/c he read my blog and did as I instructed - he floated when he died. I noticed him dead this morning, and just didn't have the heart to have a funeral for him before work. I feel really bad because I was just complaining last night how boring he is. My roommate said he thinks it is a she b/c she is bitchy. Well, anyway, it is bad karma to talk bad about people/animals that have died, so I better be quiet.

Hope you are all well after your holiday adventures. I got a new camera and plan to post a few pics in the next few days once I get my camera all set up.

I was in Arkansas the last few days with Mickey and Minnie and they are really picking up the accent, as well as fashion sense. Mickey and Minnie are all decked out in camo, including their pj’s, bed sheets and clothes. I can’t wait to use this fascination with camo for great ammo when trying to embarrass Minnie in her teenage years. I know, I am mean!